Relationships that are scapegoats in isolation

Uzm. Psk. Tuğba KURT ULUCAN

If you can see, look.
If you can see, observe.
  “Nasihatler Kitabı”

The closed atmosphere of the house is about to trigger an existential awakening. It feels as if everything we have been holding back will spill out onto us. We are in a state of panic, as if we have only just realised that we have been given time to check and look at everything we hold, one by one. We want to finish all our unfinished business while there is still time, so we devote ourselves to cleaning. Cupboards are being organised, pantries cleaned, dusty shelves and ceilings wiped down, and finally the cleaning is done. The turn comes to ourselves, to the relationship reflected in our own selves. Just then, a voice from the internal radio whispers to us, caught in a paradox between entering and not entering.

Is it the reality of the home or the reality of the relationship that is straining us within it?If you can see, look. If you can see, observe.
“The Book of Advice”

We are going through a period in which the balance between the internal and external realities of relationships has been disrupted, with the internal reality settling into an abnormal state. Therefore, no matter how we look at the relationship, it feels as if we are underestimating something. Some relationships continue to exist in a state of equilibrium, invested in both individuality and relationality. For such relationships, the feeling of being drawn into the internal reality created by the home can be challenging for individuals and may cause them to project their aggression onto each other. It is likely that once the process is over, the relationship will find its homeostasis again. In other words, if the problem lies in the reality of the home, there is no need to sound the alarm; this is a situational crisis. However, if you are in a structure where existing problems are postponed, denied, or even feared to be brought up, it is likely that people’s tension and anxiety will increase in this close proximity. Therefore, a short circuit in the system is inevitable. In this situation, two people cannot fit in the home. Everything can become more difficult for you, and you may feel depressed. Instead of burdening the home, it may be a good option to consider looking at the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship and leaving the process of isolation for later.

How does the social trauma we are experiencing, which negatively affects individuals, manifest itself in relationships?

During such a period, with the home cut off from the outside world, most people find themselves trapped within the unease created by their own fears. As individuals, this unease manifests itself differently in everyone. While one partner may constantly want to sleep, the other may constantly want to be productive, throwing themselves into activity. They may think that if they do so, the unease inside them will disappear. If what they do provides a functional line in the relationship, using these things does not cause a problem; however, examples of being overly tense and arguing about everything, being overly anxious and wanting to wipe everything clean, are likely to provoke anger in the other person in the couple, which may destroy the relationship. The issue here is both individual and relational.

How is the distance in a relationship regulated in an 80-square-metre space?

When it comes to relationships, distance is measured not in metres but in barometers, I think we’d be quite right to say. It’s not entirely accurate to say that the square footage of a home completely determines a relationship, but it would be unfair to dismiss its influence. We often hear couples say things like, ‘The house is suffocating me, I’m so tired of you being here, let’s move out and see what happens.’ However, what we don’t hear very often is the sentence, ‘I dare to interpret what increases this pressure both individually and relationally.’ And it is actually a very important, very valuable sentence. In a way, this sentence is the beginning of a person’s journey towards themselves and their partner. That’s why I didn’t want to include suggestions like ‘don’t work at the same table, hang out in different rooms’ in this article. I believe it is important to define what increases pressure in a relationship, where it comes from, how it reflects back on the relationship, and to re-examine it, studying and explaining it in a cybernetic cycle.

Can the isolation process create an opportunity to rebuild the relationship? Do we have a chance to achieve positive development and change for the relationship from this trauma?

Traumas in relationships have both disruptive and restorative aspects. These traumas can harbour negative processes for some couples; in others, they can be observed as having a positive effect on their relational experiences. The social trauma process we are going through can contribute to the development of relational resilience, which is the couple’s ability to overcome adverse situations. If partners contribute positively to the improvement of each other’s psychological state during this process, the bonds of the relationship will be strengthened. From this perspective, it can create opportunities for the relationship by opening up many spaces for creating awareness and strengthening the bond.